This is How I Heal

In the days and weeks following April 16, 2007 I was lost.  I stayed up well after the kids and Dave had gone to bed scouring the internet for every bit of information I could find. I wanted to know every victim's name, where they came from, who they were, about their families..... and I began writing.  Every few days I would send an email to family and friends to keep them updated on what was happening in our town...... Looking back I don't think I was really writing to keep them informed. I think it was helping me deal with the events of that day.... and to heal.

I watched Friday's events unfold through the internet and social media on my phone while in an elementary school. (surreal) The same elementary school that I was teaching in when the twin towers fell.... the same school that lost parents on 4/16.  News was of course sketchy throughout the day as the media scrambled to put information out into the world..... most of which was wrong.  For some reason during the day it never even occurred to me that children would be injured let alone killed.  It never crossed my mind.  You'd think that I would know better than that by now.

I took my children home that day and didn't mention it to them.  Why would I terrify them and make them scared to go to their own school?  I kept the tv off.  I didn't want to see any of it.  I am not naive enough to think that I can ignore it and pretend that it didn't happen.  But I sure as hell didn't want to go there and let it sink in.   The more time that passes, the more it is eating away at me. And so I write.

I still won't watch the news stories.  Not because I don't want to know who the victims were, or because I am scared to watch it.  But because, I remember how it felt when the media descended upon our town.  How most of us felt.  Like we were being followed, they were digging for stories.    I can see them doing the same thing to Newtown.  Looking for information, background, interviewing CHILDREN!  Ridiculous.  This isn't a news story, this is people's lives.  I have no respect for those who chase down people who have lost loved ones.  And does the media really think that the families have any idea what they are saying?  Does anyone really think that any of this has sunk in?  On Friday they dropped their children off at school and today they buried them!?  There has not been time for any of these families to grasp what has really happened.

Never once have I entered my children's school and thought, "what would happen if?" Until today...... Last Friday was pajama day.  We (the teachers) all came to school, arms full of bags, lunches, supplies, snacks.  Teachers all over the country went to school that day.  Tired! It was the Friday before the last week of school before the winter break.  Coffee cups in hand, teachers in Newtown were no different.  I cannot even imagine being caught so off guard as they were that day.  No one saw it coming.  You can do lockdown/intruder drills until you are blue in the face..... really, though.... what would you do?

Would you hide the kids in the closets like some brave teachers did?  Because at our school there sure as heck aren't closets big enough to fit kids in.  Yes, I have looked around. I checked...... but there are no closets you could fit more than one or two children in.  Then what?  My next morbid thought in my own school is,  "man, when I get my own classroom I sure hope it isn't on the front end of the hall near the lobby." How horrible is that?  Who wants to be the first door an intruder comes to?  I am angry that that some stranger, some sick person who I don't even know and never knew me is causing me to have these thoughts in my own school and community.  But then it isn't a new anger.... I've felt it before... five years ago. 

There was a time that I would feel on edge walking through campus.  My beautiful campus..... and that has faded.  Our town rallied together, grew stronger and became an even better place than it once was.  I know that in time, I won't walk around school wondering "what if" when I see an unfamiliar face coming to the front door.  But right now it is fresh, it is real and it is painful. 

And how about this?  Have you seen a first grader lately?  I see them all the time. They are tiny.  How in the heck, if this man shot first graders at close range, multiple times with a rifle, was there anything left of them? There, I said it.  Morbid and gross, but that's what I want to know.  Because you know what? I've been to the funerals.  I've seen them try to put adult bodies back together after they've been blown to bits...... and I want to know if any of those parents got to really see their children again after they dropped them off at school that day........

And next I think about the first responders.  Because I know many who responded on 4/16 in Blacksburg.  I don't know all of the details, but I know what they saw.  And I know that they saw people they knew..... it's a small town.  So what about Newtown?  What about those first responders and what they saw?  No one should ever have to see that.  And they will see those images in their heads for the rest of their lives...... All the counseling in the world can't change that....... maybe, maybe time and therapy can dim it.... but it will ALWAYS be there.

So I am angry. I am sad.  I am grieving.  I feel fake when I hug my children and tell them that we are safe when deep down inside I know that evil can happen anywhere, to anyone, at anytime.  I try to reassure myself that we are safe by thinking lightning doesn't strike the same place twice. But who am I to know?

I do know that in all the darkness in the world today that our community still shines bright.  I see the hurt in my friends and neighbors faces as we struggle our way through this new reality.  That this can happen to children.  I know that each and every one of us would and will drop everything to help each other through.  I know that it doesn't take tragic events to make us appreciate the children we get to come home to, but each time we experience one, we do appreciate them a little bit more.

And lastly, I know that there are twenty families who have bought and wrapped Christmas gifts for children who won't be here Christmas morning to open them....... and that truly breaks my heart........